一.童年的秋日
旦才破出幼的咪仔，五光的火泡仔跤，用幼嫩巧的撒奶形，依倚四序的抱中。
雷光，秋吹落雨，澹的流踅青仔埔。一片一片焦的仔、一蕊一蕊退色的花，位人知影的角雄雄出跳舞去。毋管外面按怎雨雨，个我的後骨仔倒阿母的胸坎，身著伊的喘起起落落，耳孔斟酌伊薛仁征、王苦守寒十八冬、伶俐的囡仔按怎修理毒的虎姑婆……好的故事，我一遍一遍撒奶阿母了再，就算伊足，我嘛有法叫伊。是故事的魅力，抑是念予阿母疼惜的幸福，我嘛分袂清楚。有阿母，我就厝的囡仔伴，走去田中央走相掠，著跤手治田，抑是拼死命兄哥in拍珠仔，日跤射落五花十色的玻璃珠仔，相撞所出的清脆音，自到尾予我感心（生成旋律的意，成做後日仔音的趣味）。若in欲耍珠仔，我欲著，兄哥的囡仔伴我哭路，定定向兄哥抗：「拜你小妹莫遮跤手好，伊有够的！」
原我的跤著in的珠仔，若是，我一直足慎，但是珠仔的速度，比我的反，自按呢我成in目的查某囡仔。若我予兄哥歹，我就落魄吼，看著阿母我吼愈大，吼愈大表示予兄哥欺悔的程度愈大，然，吼著阿母兄哥的音慢慢仔落，我就是用个法一兄哥的囡仔伴。
In做夥毋是耍珠仔，就是提著phiak仔石，注神一蕊目瞄物，个我嘛始起。若榕仔一仔，我就鞭婆（in的）大共in通。不而，逐遍好心予雷，是一射的：「仔予汝走矣，拜汝恬咧！」
我衰仝款，家已恬恬坐仔跤，但是嘛心看一仙一仙腰斟酌茫定著的仔群。的刻，雄雄一金星出面前，一刺痛，我的手mooh牢，手心感澹澹黏黏，一看是血，「哇」大吼起，逐家著我的吼走身。兄哥我抱牢咧，目青睨睨看彼个狡怪的人，第一遍感受著友，其中有人自位橐袋仔提出一堆的珠仔我的面前欲予我，但是叫我莫吼矣。然足痛，但是秋吹，一一的，柔和的日跤仔，吼嘛仔走。平常予人做「狗路」，即煞作「上勇敢的查某囡仔」。到厝，遵照兄哥的忍痛共阿母：「袂疼！」嘛奇怪，流袂少血，嘴袂痛，真正袂痛！不而，个袂痛的，即原有深的。
阿母一工了後，倒眠床歇是伊上享受的，但是一倒落是喝遮痛遐，尤其是夏秋交替的季，跤痛。若心情好，我自坐伊的尻川斗仔真，甲予伊喜。我嘛感家己是一个友孝的囡仔，甚至家己的行感，常向兄哥in展神，我是上乖的人；毋，若搪(tng7)著我耍甲趣味的予阿母叫，我先伊出参。伊：「五百下。」我：「三百下。」伊：「一百下一仙。」看在的份上，我量有耐性共。但是定定著欲解，算的速度比作。心若放放，作就落落，上尾佳哉著阿母：「好矣！」我一秒都走，鞭起走到尾仔直去磋砣矣。
太平洋予美炸炸的一个水池，我是幽美的大湖，就阮厝的前差不多四百公尺。的竹抱仔低低的小野花，插菱角形的池仔。秋吹起，竹枝仔啊，竹仔像吹啡仔叫啊叫，像咧演奏，。另外水池仔，群悠游水中，in泅的後面，有一一的水，我小小的心肝，起造一个童年的王。若我消失父母的目，一定遮揣著一个鬃尾仔、瘦薄板的小身影，咧挖土、挽花……落身免的沙粉死道人，若掠厝加予老母。伊一爿我褪衫，一爿洗我的跤手，淋身的水始有淡薄仔冷矣。毋知是欲徙走老母的嘈嘈，抑是真正寒，我的身一直若、一直若，掠著阿母的手撒奶按呢:「有够寒！」
阿母提衫我穿起，看天：「嗯！秋天到矣。」自按呢我的身加(ke)穿一衫。
童年的秋日，像日光湖水面跳舞，永袂退色的花仔。想欲做玻璃珠仔，常出迷人的旋律；想欲做一田，草枝仔，予人掠袂著；嘛想欲成彼水，泅竹林水萍中自由自在。二. 少年的秋日媚予天地不仁的踏，位愁苦之中，向望的路途。
彼年天母雄雄束家己的生命，狂暴雨拍清的天，玻璃珠仔沉碎遮咧的窟，水仔激死一窟水。死神共人扭落，彼本底永欲的石，落跤予碎去，干一片的血留沙。母的咧走跳，宇宙有啥物意呢？阿母出山的赤炎炎的日跤行，像起的一个查某囡仔拼命抱牢牢母玉倒底的大厝，斟酌扛大厝的工作人欲伊的母搡向空。雷雨交加，瘦弱的身欲按怎抵牢「、土土」的大道理啊！
我看清的世界，嘛知影父可能伊的束，阿母的厝起一小厝予我，个已是面秋稀微，比的季。秋日意煞成愁意的源。如果火代表折磨，烈火赤炎炎看袂著啁啁的火星仔咧哀叫，我干管家己卒，管四箍的世界。有一工中，著老父捶心擘腹的吼，破孤寂恬的暝暗，醒我沉落的神，雄雄生命中袂使干停留童年的恿(sing7)。了後，我接受信局的考，有另外的生活空，於少女的青春生命仔活跳起。一身的衫参腹的不安，慢慢行向有希望的未。
菅芒花白中，向枝路爿一直，一一相思仔花踮斜坡去，像咧向我拍招呼，我就按呢行入百花的花散步。
有一冬的秋天，查某伴婚，我做伴嫁。加空的念，想台南高雄干分的路程，就参伊相欲暗仔的。但是拄仔好，彼日的喜筵拖到一、二，落去回程的故障，一路舞到三更半暝才高雄。我想伊可能暗摸摸的田岸路蠓仔仔等！咧懊的情，甜蜜是我，雄雄一道火焰的光照我的面前，落去一碰碰叫的音向我爿，一予秋吹散去的毛，一排笑文文的白嘴，像守神出我的眼前，予我喜迷醉。隔日伊揣我去看伊著欲消磨甘蔗留落的痕。世人第一遍相思仔花蕊抱心肝，初的歌就按呢我河系分著一个所在。第二年中秋暝伊我：「咱覆鼎金陪阿母中秋！」伊了解我的心，不而，暗的荒山中，欲揣阿母的厝可能有困，伊心像大王的定著：「！阿母咧等咱食月柚仔矣。」若著阿母，我的目箍就，伊陪我做夥流目屎，陪我做夥悲。伊跪落阿母的口埕香按呢:「我世人一定欲好好照汝的查某囝。」月光是持的，啡仔中舞，敢是叫做的誓言？但是，誓言是啥？伊伊母的威之下，像泡花空的色水。伊著伊母意的女子的手行入「致美店」堂，拄仔好就是我上班的厝，伊是有意抑是意，欲叫我看幕世上美好上酷的面？伊婚的前一暝我甜言蜜：「天涯海角，我永汝做夥。」上天！汝敢向我解是啥款的情？
少年是，但是秋色重重，一仔都感袂出的甜味，若有，是毋是叫做美矣！三. 成年的秋日果子已的果子，伊用一世人的持，日影之。
查某囝的婚，我：「今仔日查某囝毋是嫁『出去』，囝婿嘛毋是娶『』，是in人婚，相互合，成幸福。」查某囝参查甫囝是仝款坐胎、病囝、生，但是，行入生命重要的斡角，人的世俗，就有「出去」、「」的差。人自我束的就有，何袂一下，少自我的困。自按呢，查某囝的好日子，我就有的，嘛感家教出一个秀的後生，予我的查某囝有一个幸福的家。不而，咱所起的所在，欠缺斡的空地，因春日百花四界，蜜蜂甲翅仔互相撞撞去。新人行入堂了後，出毋是事人的代，倒是四箍的人，著欲示in的重量。掠我的故事，个仝款有一日婚的人，in就有耐性兄嫂斟酌咧督，落去，有查某囝嫁出了後，後厝友孝的理。一句，是兄嫂做厝一切的代就矣。一向背骨的我，保牢我个婚姻，的，是in路用兄哥的功。然矣，有一工in嘛食到做人媳的滋味，阿有小可改。人！啥物等到家已著滋味了後才悟？生命有限，有个雄雄悟的清醒？着避免的人行仝款的怨路，我是好仔伊落好。查某囝婚嫁到台中（事上，高雄嘛厝欲予in，阮有想的理念）。此伊已做人的老母，一年遍面，慢慢仔感受著形比人，伊正是嫁「出去」矣。想欲後厝，除了有形（空参囡仔）的以外，有形的阻。有一冬的秋天，囝婿破困重重，走老父的注意偷偷仔手、後生高雄，安慰念查某囝参外的丈人、丈姆。不而，孝行煞付出代，家庭起大波。根是人上基本的念，念根的所在煞需要面，叫人行刺仔埔是人道的。巧的仔目仁白分明，咧耍七彩的，人性原初就是按呢清透光，干染成混沌光。咱到底是外面咧看三的化，抑是三彼寡混的色花？秋日的感著月人生化，像三仝的貌。中年的秋日已份矣，是春日的滴滴，夏日的赤赤，是秋收的定。日的歌已唱矣，欲暗仔的旋律予巴哈奏平衡律，引彩色的重起文的情景，用真善美的恬心光暗晡的火。
台文作家合影於台文座後,右排第三位是李秀.
The Triangular Prism ofAutumn by Lee Hsiu
1. The autumn of childhood ---- the delicateflower opened its bud and cried, “Dear world, please don’t fade.”
The northwind of autumn blew into a hard shower, and puffed away a lot of leaves. The fallingleaves and the fading flowers of autumn were caught in the rapid whirls of theeddy whose wider circles moved quickly along the ground.
I pillowed myhead on my mother’s bosom. I was not only enjoying the rhythms of herbreathing, I also appreciated the stories she was telling me. She described howa clever child dealt with the virulent Gu-Po Hu; how a chaste woman Bao-ChuanWang waited for her husband for eighteen long years… I wasn’t bored, even afterhearing these stories many times. I wonder whether I was attracted by theinteresting stories or if I merely enjoyed snuggling close to my mother whenshe had leisure time.
Living withher extended family, my mother had a lot of housework to do every day. She wasalways busy. Thus I often went to the countryside with my playmates to play,such as pursuing fireflies, keeping silence to grasp dragonflies, or playinghide-and-seek…But my favourite activity was following my brothers to play withglass balls. Under the sunlight, the colorful glass balls were gorgeous. Iespecially desired the clear and crisp sound of those glass balls collidingwith each other. Longing for the sound of melody, I wonder if I was alreadyexpressing my love for music.
However, whenI trailed excitedly behind my brothers to watch their game of glass balls, Iheard their playmates complaining to my brother about me.
“Please askyour younger sister not to come here. Her behavior is upsetting our game.”
Unfortunately,even though I was extremely careful, my feet often blocked their shooting. Ialways explained that the speed of the running balls was too fast for me tomove in time. I became the focal point of their complaints. If my brothersblamed me for the mistake, I would act like it was the end of the world and runhome crying to Mother. The more loudly my brothers yelled at me, the moreloudly I cried. The sound of my weeping gradually disappeared as my Motherscolded my brothers for neglecting to look after me. Certainly, this was thepurpose of my crying; it was the best weapon I had. Thus I could follow mybrothers and their playmates wherever they played their game.
Generally,the boys either played the game of glass balls or took their slingshots toshoot at birds. When they narrowed their eyes in deep concentration, held theirbreath, focused on the game fowl, I would yell delightedly as I pointed out thebird to them. Although I couldn’t join their group to hunt the bird, I had goodvision and a strong voice to alert them when I saw a bird flying in the sky.But, despite my good intentions, they were always scolding me. “Keeping yourbig mouth shut, the birds are all frightened by you.”
I was greatlyinsulted but I obediently sat under the shade of big banyan tree. While I washaving a good time watching how funny they looked as they crouched low beforethey tried to shoot quickly moving birds, I was suddenly hit by a rock, andthen I felt a stabbing pain at the top of my head. My hands instinctivelytouched the painful place. When I saw my bloody hands, I cried loudly. The boysran quickly toward me. My brother grasped my body and looked angrily at hisplaymates who caused the accident. For the first time I was treated as aprincess. Moreover, one boy pulled out many colorful glass balls, which were myfavorite from his pocket to give to me. An autumn breeze was puffing away thedark clouds. I stopped weeping and accepted their warm friendship. The boys hadalways called me a crybaby and a pest. But now I was praised as a courageousgirl. Bravely enduring my pain, I promised my brother not to tell our Mother.Even though my head bled profusely, I said there was really no pain at all.However, this “no pain” wound in my head left a big scar forever.
Usually,after doing housework all day long, my Mother lay down on the bed because sheached all over, especially when summer changed to autumn. Then she asked me tomassage her legs by pounding them with my fists. If I was in a good mood, Iwould do it so that it was her happy time. Not only was I very much pleasedwith what I had done, but also I prided myself on being an obedient girl toshow up my brothers. However, if I was playing excitingly with my playmates andI was compelled to do so, I bargained with my mother over the price.
“500 times,”she asked for me.
“300 times,”I figured that 500 times needed ten minutes. It was too long to stop playingwith my playmates.
“For every100 times you do it I will give you 10 cents,” she weakly encouraged me.
“Ok.” Lookingat money, I did my best. But in order to finish quickly, I counted faster thanI actually pounded my fists.
Finally, Iheard my Mother said fragilely, “Enough…” and then I was running away as soonas possible to my favorite place. There was a small pond made from a bombdropped by the U.S.A. during World War Two.
The bomb madeit a pool of misery, but for me it was a happy pond just in front of my home.There was a row of tall bamboo fluttering in the wind, a lot of colorful wildflowers lying-low on the ground, and a swarm of ducks drawing out many rippleson the surface of the water. If I vanished from my parents’ sight, I was foundthere, a skinny girl in pigtails, who was busy either digging the soil to pickthe wild flowers or walking with light steps to chase the dragonflies.
When I wasfound by my Mom at this place that I called a “Holy Land,” my body was totallycovered in mud. Even though my Mother blamed me incessantly, she carefullyhelped me take off my completely dirty clothes. While I was bathing, I shiveredand murmured, “I am chilly.” I didn’t know if I was really cold or if I justwanted to stop her scolding words.
“Yes, fall iscoming in,” she said, as she gave me more clothes to wear. I felt warm astoast.
The autumn ofchildhood, is like sunlight dancing on the waves of the pond; restless shuttlesweaving a golden age. Therefore, I had colourful dreams. I wanted to become aglass ball to make a sound of delightful melody; I wanted to become a dragonflythat couldn’t be seized by people; I wanted to become a wild duck to swim inthe bamboo grove and water.
2. The autumnof youth hood ---- colorful dreams were destroyed by the world of wild storms.
One summerday Mother suddenly ended her own life. The sunny sky was darkened by theviolent storm; the glass balls were broken to pieces in the dark morass; the wildduck was suffocated in the dead water. The God of death pulled off my rubychain that I had been prepared to wear my whole life. Let it be cracked underthe wheel and left to bleed like a broken heart in the dust. Lacking myMother’s pulse, what on earth can breathe in this world?
My Mother’sfuneral procession carried me into a flame of sorrow. A crazed daughter graspedthe coffin as if it were really her Mother’s body as she tried to stop peoplefrom pushing her dear Mom into the grave. It was the day of thunder andlightning. How was such a slender weak girl able to resist the tradition,“earth to earth, ashes to ashes.”
Gradually, Iwoke up from my grievous suffering to face Mother’s death. It was undoubtedlytrue that my Mother was dead. My Father had promised to build a hut for mebeside my Mother’s grave. But it was impossible living people could not livenear graves. However, when I recovered my consciousness, the miserable autumnwas starting. My subconscious was always affected by the fallen flowers of theseason.
If fire is asymbol of suffering, the raging fire is absolutely more powerful than gentleheat. Until one day at midnight, I was startled to hear Father crying his griefout as he crouched in a corner of our house. The sound of sorrow was a shock tome that made me to realize that I must move from the indulgences of childhood;I also should face the future.
Finally, Ipassed the employee test of the telecommunication company. Now that I had otherthings to focus on, my youthful energy was gradually aroused. I wore a blackoutfit into the first job of my life. In this mourning dress I stepped into myfuture.
Reeds grew inclusters all along the railway track; the acacias flowers of Taiwan unfoldedalong the path as if to woo and flatter the scenery. Unconsciously, this becamea love garden as I strolled through it. Surely, I could inflame some one’spassion.
Once I was abridesmaid at my girlfriend’s wedding. I was not only without common sense atthis time, but I also had no idea how far it was between Kaohsiuing and Tainan.Therefore, I felt free to promise a date with Chu in the evening at 6 pm.However, not only did I mistake the travel time, but the wedding dinner wasdelayed a long time. I didn’t finish my duties as a bridesmaid until twoo’clock in the morning.
I thought itwas impossible that he could wait in a field with mosquitoes all around in thedark night for eight hours. Annoyed with heartless time, I was disappointedthat happiness would always be far away from me.
Suddenly, Iwas surrounded by a strong light, and then I heard a motorcycle enginestarting. His hair was messed up by the autumn wind. A row of white teeth shonea bright welcome to me. Like a guard he had come to protect me. The next day,he showed me what was left of the sugar cane that he gnawed on to kill the timewhile he waited for me. Through Chu, I was carried out of my failed world intoa new world where I could flourish. The song of my first love was like birds inflowering groves.
The next yearon the mid-autumn festival night, he said passionately, “we should go toMother’s place to be with her, let the three of us together cheer the holidayunder the moon.” He really understood my mind, but I wondered whether it wouldbe very difficult to climb the wild hill in the dark night.
“Don’thesitate about that. Do it at once.” He was wild about it. “Hurry up, Mother iswaiting for us to eat the moon cake and the shaddock.”
Talking aboutmy Mother, my tears flowed like a broken river. He not only joined me in my weeping,but also sorrowed deeply about my mourning. Suddenly, he kneeled down to prayand swore an oath in front of my Mother’s yard. “I will look after yourdaughter forever. Her sadness is my gloom. Her happiness is my satisfaction aswell. I promise.”
The moonlightwas a memory mirror. Leaves fell from the trees to cover everything. The birdswere hopping about on their perches and twittering. Was this called the pledgeof marriage?
However, whatwas this pledge? It turned out to be a pledge that was easily broken when hewas threatened by his mother who wanted him to marry another girl. Not muchlater, he and his bride, who was his mother’s preference, had their weddingdinner near my office. Was this deliberate or neglectful on his part to let melook at this happy picture that did not include me? Moreover, after hiswedding, he still sent me these honeyed words, “whether I am near or far away,I will be with you forever.”
My dear God!Could you please tell me what kind of love this was?
People alwayssay that youth is beauty, but I only felt the dark of autumn. It could havebeen a little more beautiful, but ultimately it would still be sorrowful.
3. The autumn of adulthood ---- even after thefruit left the tree, the tree persisted in her undertaking to stand erectbetween the sunlight and the moonlight.
In Taiwan, itis traditional for the bride to “marry out”, which means she is expected tolive with her husband’s family. The groom is expected to “marry in”, whichmeans he stays with his parents’ family. The wedding custom of Taiwan is sodifferent for daughters and sons that I had some words to say at my daughter’swedding. “Today my daughter is not to marry off and my son-in-law is not tomarry in as well. They are both consummating a marriage, mutually unifying intoone happy family.”
Even thoughboth daughters and sons have the same genes, the same flesh and blood, they area division between off and in when they marry. Sometimes custom is a tyrant.Human history has been tied up by too much etiquette. Why shouldn’t we livemore simply? Therefore, I placed more emphasis on the “marry off and marry in”issue in my speech. Of course, I also thanked my son-in-law’s parents forraising such an outstanding son. As a result, my daughter got a happy family.
However,although we lived in an infinite world, when we marry off our daughters theyhave no space to make a turn. Like flowers in full bloom with honeybeesbustling busily and then dashing into each other, many couples run into troublethat shouldn’t be their problem. In the new family there is a crowd of peoplein front of the couple wanting to show their power and just making the coupleunhappy. For example, there was my story. I was anti-traditional. I couldn’tstand all the bad behaviors in my new family. In order to keep my marriage Iconsidered giving credit to their so-called useless brother. Every one hasabsolutely the same problem in their own life when they married.
O poor human,why should you have personal experiences and then you don’t raise yourconsciousness? How many times have you made the same mistakes over and overagain in your limited life? My way of trying to prevent my daughter from havingthe same unreasonable rules was to cautiously protect her.
My daughtermoved from the south of Taiwan (Kaohsiung) to the middle of Taiwan (Taichung)after she married. We also prepared a house in Kaogsiung for them if she neededto come back to her former nest. After she became the mother of two children,we had no time to reunite with each other even to celebrate special events,such as our birthdays.
Finally, Iconcluded that she was really married off and my son-in-law was married in.Thus she couldn’t go back to her original family whenever she was missing us.In fact, she not only had been hobbled by her children and her job, but alsoshe had been obstructed by something unpleasant. To offer an illustration, oneautumn, my son-in-law had secretly arranged for his wife and children to go toKaohsiung to have a comforting visit with me and my husband. However, he paid asteep price for this trip because his father was furious at being kept in thedark. My daughter had come to Kaohsiung in search of her roots. Nevertheless,her missing roots had to face the thorns that formed her father-in-law’s inhumanity.
With hisbright clear eyes, my clever grandson was playing with a colorful triangularprism; all human beings are capable of such behavior, but the process ofbecoming an adult often causes us to be in a state of chaos. Is it the changesoutside the prism all over the earth- that changes us, or is it the movingcolourful flower on the inside of the prism of ourselves that changes us?
The feelingof autumn following a life of change has a different style; like a rollingtriangular prism, there are varyingly appearances. The autumn of adulthood is atime of maturing, no longer like the delicate flower of spring and thebrilliance of summer. It is the readiness of an autumnal harvest.
The song ofdaytime has been sung. Let the peaceful melody of Bachr surround my literarylife in the evening. As I turn on my night light, I am looking for a true, goodand beatiful mind to accompany my future.
Surely, dayscome and ages pass, and autumn moves my heart in many a guise, in many arapture of joy and of sorrow.
(明:最近刊出台後不少，了者欣台文的美，特徵得台文女作家李秀的同意，她的台散文。李秀的作品曾流及多文大，是我非常敬佩的前文家，近年她用母作，是童或台或台散文，成都相可，宋老曾她的童了一字的，盛她的文成就，徵得她的同意，一篇台及英散文。能用母及英作的文家不多，李秀的努力在文界受肯定 。)
她的台作品延伸，台文盟:
http://twnelclub.ning.com/
【音】
Μνο Λοζο ~ Πσοσ αγαπ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joiPJSGOGcI&feature=related/
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